Bert...does

I am unlucky in love.

Full of heart break.

I’m getting used to it.

To The Pretty Girl Asleep In The Other Room - A Thank You Note

First and foremost, thank you for giving me nothing but your respect, trust and admiration. Thank you for giving me the chance to give you my respect, trust and admiration. Thank you for being genuine and caring. Thank you for looking so cute when you’re passed out. Thank you for being the little spoon. Thank you for allowing me to be apart of your life, even though it’s caused you so much strife lately with your family. Thank you for being in my corner and defending my honor. Thank you for meeting me half-way and on some days a little further when I’m distracted. Thank you for not making a big deal out of those days when I’m distracted. Thank you for listening to me ramble for hours about the most trivial things that I hold dear. Thank you for always having a cigarette ready when I need one. Thank you for being able to handle your vices responsibly and sensibly. Thank you for being a good mother to your children, even when you don’t think anyone is watching. Thank you for standing up in what you believe in. Thank you for being relentless in the pursuit of your dreams and goals. Thank you for having a work ethic that could match my own. Thank you for using my shoulder to cry on and letting me lean on you when I need support. Thank you for letting me drive your van when you have too much going on and not arguing with me about it. Thank you for being able to get upset, vent to me and calm down without once taking it out on me. Thank you for driving me insane with your touch. Thank you for every deep kiss you give that bowls me over. Thank you for not needing my attention every second, of every hour, but willing to give it to me when I ask, without a moment’s hesitation. Thank you for having a silly ex that provides us with laughter. Thank you for being able to laugh and remain calm in the face of a difficult/trying situation. Thank you for being comfortable with yourself. Thank you for learning to accept my doting, even though I know you find it hard to accept compliments sometimes. Thank you for helping me become an even better person, without even realizing you’re doing it. Thank you for letting me observe you when I’m people-watching and not do anything out of the ordinary just because you know I’m eyeing you. Thank you for appreciating music, art and movies and talking to me about them with passion. Thank you for not holding my past against me. Thank you for not putting me in a box. Thank you for caring about me because of who I am, not what I can do for you or how you can benefit from having me around. Thank you for all the stories you have shared with me and rambled on about- Sometimes I just want to sit, listen and let someone else talk for hours on end. Thank you for enjoying comfortable silences with me and not asking “What are you thinking about?” every five minutes. You know I’ll tell you eventually. Thank you for reading past writings and not getting offended when I speak about exs, roll your eyes when I am too positive or too negative, or try to criticize. Thank you for just reading it and smiling at me. Thank you for giving me your opinion when I ask for it. Thank you for not being indecisive and forcing me to make all the decisions. Thank you for the back-rubs in the morning when we spend the night together. Thank you for having self-respect, self-worth and pride. Thank you for being awesome without being arrogant. Thank you for watching the sunrise at the river with me, even though there were bugs and it was humid.

But most of all, thank you for knocking on my door that one evening and getting me out of the house.

Anonymous asked: AYou hit me like a brick to

Hopefully this is a good thing.

Damn.

Last night was amazing.

(You Must Have Done Something Right, If I’m Writing About You.)

So, I said I’d have a few stories for you. This is one of them. It is quite possibly the most personal thing I have ever published. The scans are the original that I slopped down in an index card notebook one evening.

How much longer must I suffer? I’ve paid my karma three times through. I’ve bit my tongue, cheek and foot until I choke. I’ve spoken my mind and locked it up tight. The result is still the same. Is this my penance? My “seven Hail Marys’” and four “Our Fathers’”? Why do I feel like every wrong in my entire life is being stacked against me?

Why do I both loathe and and bask in my situation? The lies I have told and the delusions that I have given life to surely never could have pushed so many to the point of chaos. I have been loved by many, revered by the dozen. My tongue spun silk gold and my oath was unquestionably sealed in blood.

I could spill gallons now- be left with miniscule muscle upon frail bones and still be glared at with furrowed brows.

I AM BUT A SHELL. A HUSK.

The rotting carcass of an even less unmentionable boy.

Is all of this who I really am?
Who I have become?
Is it a weird amalgamation of my many quirks, traits and personality rolling into one big unorganized mess?

I am exactly where I never wanted to be again.

My dark place.

Uncertainty about myself.

Or possibly more certain than ever before.

The poison may have been the aphrodisiac, but my clumsy heart was the culprit. I loved another more than myself. I put my everything into someone’s hands.

And again it failed…

Like opening Pandora’s Box, even hope was exhausted.

At least she had the decency to not string it out for five years.

If we are the product of our environments, and mine has been nothing but turmoil since eight, why do I still find reasons to smile? Why do I still find things to care about? Why do I still try to be ethically and morally right when no one around me can even spell Dr. Seuss’ name correctly? Because I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A HEART, DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE HEART!

Eat your Wheaties kids, things are always going to be tough.

Crying doesn’t make you weak, pride doesn’t make you strong, leaning on people doesn’t make you a slouch and fixing everyone’s problems doesn’t make you the Wizard. It’s called Life. And for better or worse you’re alive. Never forget how fragile feelings are or how powerful misspoken words can be. At the end of the day, all you have is what you said you would do, what you actually did, and the manner in which those ends were met. The ends do not always justify the means.

Good intentions or an addicts bond.

Damn, it felt great to be alive.

Now I know why I can’t stay away.
Because she made me feel again.

Maybe it’s not unconditional love that I seek but just the ability to adapt and grow. With me or against me, just experience life with me.

Fuck stagnant settling.

How does one cope with the eventual slowdown?

And now I realize if two people make the effort, there won’t be a possibility of skimming pond water. It takes more than one person to run a tight ship. And the Ocean’s big enough to shelter the Krakken, stash Davey Jones’ Locker, and still remain largely uncharted.

So why does every motherfucker want to tell me how I should feel, what to say or when I should speak my mind. I am my own creature.

Wow. I just dropped a fucking nuke on myself.

I confessed the wrong sin.

I’m a fucking idiot.

————————————

This was written over the course of about six hours as I was cleaning, doing too many lines and caught in a weird existential time warp.

I’m no longer an addict.

My heart is still sore.

But I’m happier and more together than I have been my entire life.

Things are looking up again and I’ve found myself.

This was the hardest Summer of my existence, and I came out alive.

I refuse to drown. I refuse to quit.

Self-awareness of the highest level will be attained.

(It’s rambly. Deal with it. You probably forgot how fragmented my thoughts are.)

John Cusack is the man.

Hey Tumblr. I just thought you should know that I’m coming back from the dead. I’ve lost just about everything and hit rock bottom. Mentally and physically. My psyche and soul are slowly being pieced back together. This proud lion will reign over the internets once again soon enough. Expect a massive influx of some personal writings soon. This summer was nothing that I had planned for but it was everything I needed. Things are still fucked up and I’m working on trying to fix all the wrongs that I have committed.

But son-of-a-bitch, I still have a smile on my face and a blazing inferno in my heart.

I missed everyone. I missed some people more than others. You know who you are.

Currently I’m crashing my mom’s couch and hanging out with my niece. She’s watching Despicable Me and dozing off. I’m waiting on the green fairy to visit once she finally passes out.

Do you mind?

People disapoint me.

Music and drugs don’t.